Unnecessary Pressure-Part 2

Before we begin, let me just say that I’m not an expert on anything. I’m not trying to push any opinions or beliefs on anything to anyone. Those who know ME, know that political and religious twists of words for convenience piss me off. Everyone has their own journey and their own story to tell. This is mine. So, let’s continue.

When I was 27, I had a miscarriage. Vince and I had been together for 3 years. We weren’t married, but we were definitely serious about our relationship. We had decent jobs and had just bought our first home together. Most people would say we were in a good place.

The weeks leading up to the miscarriage, I had been on roller coasters, partying, working out hardcore, and living my life as normal. I had no idea I was pregnant. One day I started having a fever, a headache and just felt weird. I had never felt like that before. I was persistent with my workout schedule, so I went to the gym. I was sitting on a weight machine and started feeling dizzy. It was strange to me because I was sitting and not lifting. I took a few moments to let the dizziness pass and I decided to leave. I had a weird feeling and the thought ran across my head, “What if I’m pregnant?” I stopped by Wal-Mart on my way home and I picked up a home pregnancy test.

When I got home and did the test, it turned positive. I don’t even remember if Vince was home or at work when I told him. I just remember calling my Mom. Of course, she was way too excited. I told her I felt weird. She told me to just relax and take it easy. I remember feeling exhausted.

The next day I went to work, but snuck out to go take a pregnancy test at the doctor’s office. I had to be sure. That one was positive too. They set up an appointment for me with an OB/GYN for the following month. I went back to work and told everyone the news. I didn’t know how to feel about it because it was so unexpected, but everyone else was happy for me, so I just went with it.

On Tuesday morning, as I was getting ready, I noticed a small amount of blood “down there.” I didn’t know what was going on, so I went to work. I stopped by for some breakfast and felt scared. I called my Mom and told her about the blood. She said I should go see a doctor. I felt so lost. I got to work and my co-worker must’ve noticed something was wrong. She immediately asked me, “Are you okay?” I started crying and told her I was bleeding. She drove me to the ER and stayed until Vince arrived. After a few hours of one of the scariest times of my life, the doctor came in and explained the miscarriage to us. He was kind and I was grateful for that, but my heart was broken. It was all gone as quickly as it came. I felt so guilty.

Vince drove me home and it was the longest most silent ride. When we got home we went straight to our room. We both cried.

Remember the OB/GYN appointment set for the following month? Yeah, I still had to go to that. I didn’t have a baby in my belly for them to examine. Instead, the doctor wanted to take a look inside to try to tell me why I may have had the miscarriage. It turns out my coffee addiction was causing me a problem. My excessive intake of caffeine was causing cystic fibroids on my lady parts. Does this happen to everyone? Nope, but it happened to me. The doctor told me that if I ever wanted to have children, I’d need to give up coffee. I did. The guilt I felt for self-inflicting a miscarriage on myself was so much bigger. I still don’t drink coffee.

Months after this happened, I realized and accepted God was telling me we weren’t ready. Vince and I agreed, we weren’t ready. Even though we were doing good, we knew we had things we needed to see through. I learned to drive a motorcycle. We moved to a new city. We got married. Vince completed his Bachelor’s degree and started a new career he loves. I changed careers and started a business. I dealt with a few of my own demons. And honestly, I appreciated having a little more time to be a total moron. We both got all the hard partying out of our systems.

At 33 years of age, I had pretty much given up on the idea of having a child. I’d been trying to get pregnant for over a year after we got married. It wasn’t happening. So I accepted I wasn’t meant to have children. I decided I was going to just be super healthy and get back on track of living like there was no tomorrow. It’s not like I had any major responsibilities. I quickly dropped like 40 pounds in less than a year. I was in great shape!

There’s this old wives tale, that if you suddenly lose weight and aren’t really being “careful,” you’re going to get pregnant. Now I’m not saying this tale is true, but I’ve seen it happen to other women – and it happened to me.

When I found out I was pregnant I was scared out of my mind! Much like that time before I had my miscarriage, I was working out hardcore and I’d been living recklessly. Except this time, I was drinking SOOOOOO much more. (Hey, my only responsibilities were my husband and my dog. They pretty much could take care of themselves.). I immediately stopped all my insanity. I owed it to this child to not screw it up. I really hoped my excessive partying from the weeks before didn’t hurt this baby. Since I’d been living a much healthier lifestyle, that actually helped me a lot.

Throughout my pregnancy, I was miserable. I feel like people just really sucked more than usual. I was scared for this baby’s health. There’s no way my mental health would’ve survived if I had another miscarriage. On top of that, I just hated being pregnant. Thankfully, at the end of a very long nine months, we welcomed a healthy baby we got to name Aria.

It took quite a few years before Vince and I felt “ready” to be parents. I’m glad we didn’t give into the pressures to have a baby. We had so much growing up to do. We did this on our own time.

I’m glad I waited until I found a person worthy of my awesomeness and brave enough to put up with me. Vince is the best decision I ever made because to me, he is the most perfect person. Not only are we sharing an insane life journey, we’re sharing this awesome child we love so much.

Miss Aria has taught us so much about ourselves. Vince and I are growing with her. And she’s shown us a whole different side of ourselves we didn’t even know we could be. She’s the most beautiful child. Aria is cute, funny and so smart. She’s everything!